A State of Chaos

The whole world is falling apart these days.

The Orange by Wendy Cope

This is the first time I have posted something by someone else, just want to make it clear that I didn’t write this one, enjoy!

The Orange

By Wendy Cope

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park
This is peace and contentment. It’s new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all my jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I’m glad I exist.

The Time Between

The trees and their branches await the sun,
They conceal their impatience well,
But one day in April their leaves appear,
Revealing their chlorophyll.

Amazed we are, astounded, impressed,
When green leaves suddenly abound,
And before too long, they’re taken for granted,
Until they change color and fall to the ground.

The summer consists of the time between,
A time of ignorance and bliss,
When we fail to remember,
Until September,
It’s the season we will most sorely miss.

Words on a Page

I still have all your letters,
stashed upon my shelf,
I’ve kept them there,
all these years,
as a comfort to myself,
but on the occasion that they’re opened,
and all read through complete,
I realize in my heart of hearts,
my happiness they deplete,
But even so, I keep them there,
to remind me of life’s season,
when I was loved, and loved someone,
and for no other reason,
than love was what there was,
what we had,
what we knew was true,
until I found,
until you admitted,
that it was only me who loved you.

Sunrise

The early morning sunrise, takes you by surprise,

but then it’s mesmerizing, lovely,

and any stress you had from the day or week before,

goes right on out the window and right on in the door,

comes the next day, fresh and clean, bright and new,

ready to be explored.

It’s like the reset button,

people just fail to see.

It’s neglected, passed by, ignored,

but for the few that know it’s there, and push it,

it has the capacity to be…

beautiful.

Winter’s Mask

The sun’s overt deception,
Occurs in tandem with its subtle truthfulness,
Winter has not departed,
Rather it wears the mask of spring,
While simultaneously preparing,
For a coordinated attack,
Mustering its clouds,
The ominous grey soldiers of the sky,
Poised and waiting,
Just beyond the horizon,
Waiting for its deceit to take its full effect,
Before plunging the world back,
Into the cold, white world of winter.

Untitled

“Speak your mind” is what they say,

Patronizing, condescending, well intentioned posers,
You can tell them what you think any day,
But then you say what you feel
They ignore or blow off, they didn’t want to hear,
your soul or yourself, rather you ought,
to know their opinions, that’s what they prefer,
regurgitations of their thoughts
I say “Speak your soul”
Honesty’s the way to go,
With yourself and with me,
How you feel is what you should be.

Thursday

Time is done and it’s on to me,
So how can I reflect?
Good friends and brothers are the shiny things of life,
I talk, or sit and think, and slowly I dissect,
Myself, my actions, my essence and my soul,
Sometime silence is just as good as speech,
Forwards and backwards and inwards I go,
Aiming eventually to breach,
Meaning. But before I arrive, Monday does,
Dispersal, separation, but only for a time,
The grind restarts, the trance, the mask,
The inevitable paradigm,
I do my best, the weekend will come,
But Thursday’s as far as I can last.
Again.

Don’t Wait for the Future

Movies are an incredible invention. Their initial intention being the conveyance of information, they were quickly adapted to convey much more than that. Today they transmit emotion, ideas, stories, intentions, assumptions, prejudices and everything in between, but the best thing about movies is the extent to which interpretation comes into play. Every movie, despite the best intentions of any writer, director, actor or producer means something different to each person that watches it. Every movie possesses the potential to have a profound emotional, intellectual, or spiritual effect any the one watching it. Every person watches movies in a different way, some analytically, some emotionally but I tend to watch movies in a wholly different way. I was raised in an environment that allowed for very little exposure to TV, I did a lot of reading but I found the time and the opportunity to watch television enough to develop an appetite for it and to maintain that appetite. Since then I am prone to become absorbed in the TV when it is on regardless of the station or show to which it is tuned but I am especially disposed to the magnetic effect of movies. I am profoundly susceptible to the emotional and philosophical intentions of the silver screen. I am far more likely to enjoy and appreciate a movie than I am not and I find this to be an advantage in that I am then able to bring a uniquely positive experience and interpretation away from most movies that I watch. Regardless of the perceived quality of a movie (to an extent) I am able to watch it, immerse myself in it and walk away with a unique lesson learned. This lesson may seem to be utterly unrelated to the topic at hand in the movie but when applied to my life, my experiences, my thoughts, my questions and problems, this conclusion is profoundly and directly related to my life. On lesson that I have learned lately from the movies that I have watched is that “those who wait, lose”. Now, this is of course not universal, but, in my life’s current predicament, it makes sense. I find that my ability to immerse myself in a movie, or maybe my lack of the ability to do otherwise, enables this potential affect and for this I am glad.

Waiting for a good thing is not worth it, it may sweeten the experience when it finally comes to fruition but the time spent in the meantime and the potential for an undesired eventual result are not worth the wait. There may be consequences in the meantime but more often than not they do not nearly outweigh the potential consequences of leaving that which you want to the future. The future is an uncertain thing, a thing that has the potential to be anything, end up anywhere and occur any time. “At the appointed time the promise will come to pass and it will not be one second late” is what the bible says in Habakkuk 2:3 but I say you determine your own destiny, the future is an uncertain place and will surely be an unpleasant place if you do not make an effort to ensure that this will not be the case. Do what you want and do it now, work towards the future that you want to see come to pass, do not leave your future in the hands of any person, god, spirit or fate, take it for yourself, grasp it in your hands and carry it to where you want it to go.

What’s up with me? Nothing much.

Nick has brought up a very important issue with the way we communicate with each other. The word superficiality is constantly ringing in my ear after reading that post. I experience supercifial interactions everyday: “Hey, what’s up?” they ask, and I respond, “Ah, nothin’ much.” That is my number one response to the question and I hate it. Absolutely hate it. But I respond in that way for a reason. I don’t believe a lot of people actually care about what’s up, so I tell them nothing. People mostly ask me when we’re walking past each other. What are they trying to get out of it? I barely know this person, and he’s asking me while heading in the opposite direction. If he meannt it as a greeting such as, hello, good day, or cheerio, then use an actual greeting phrase, not a question! Don’t pretend to care because I know you’re just going to enjoy some food in the dining hall and completely forget about our encounter.

Perhaps I’m being too uptight. Maybe I should take “what’s up” as a positive gesture and move on with my business, but I can’t help but think about how fake and uncaring it sounds coming out of some people’s mouths. There are some friends who ask me the question mid-walk, and I will try to provide them with a considerate 10-second synopsis but it still doesn’t seem quite right.

The busy lives we lead leaves little time for caring about other people. I have a good number of friends here at USM but I’ve had a great deal of trouble getting close to them. There are a few people I feel comfortable discussing my feelings, but there’s still that uncertainty that they really care. There’s only one person on campus I can tell anything and that’s my girlfriend. While I love the closeness and intimacy we have, I wish I had that with some of my friends here. I wish I could comfortably sit down with one of my friends and talk about life.

But it’s not even at USM. Sometimes I feel that I have an intimacy problem in general. I strive to be open with my best friends but it’s hard for me now and then. I don’t know what it is. I know my dad has the same problem. I’d like to think I am more confident than I used to be, but when I think about it, I suffer from the same self-consciousness I did in all of high school. I don’t talk to people, I don’t spill my emotions because I’m afraid people won’t like me. ‘Tis sad but it’s true. I live too much in my head, thinking about all the possible reactions people could give me and the first ones always seem to be negative.

I know I’m a cool person. I know I’m nice. I know I have decent knowledge of music and related subjects. But part of me isn’t getting the full picture. Part of me doesn’t think I’m worth it. I need to start telling myself that I am worth it, that I am a cool person, that I am nice, that I am worthwhile.

This turned into a Livejournal entry but I’m glad that it did. This post made me realize a few things about myself.

Community and Relationships

So I was browsing online today and I came across my old Livejournal, I ended up reading through most of my posts and I think I cam to the conclusion that I kinda miss that. Not the attention whoring, because that kinda felt like shit, but the feeling of community, I think I became a lot close to a lot of the people I now know quite well through communicating through LJ. So much in daily life we find that our lives are essentially scripted, this has been programmed into the online communities that are now growing exponentially. Facebook is a method of keeping in touch and interacting but essentially on a superficial level. Likewise is the case with Myspace or any other “social networking” site. On the other hand, in a community like Livejournal, we find ourselves interacting on somewhat of a different level, a deeper level I would postulate. This all comes down to who we are and I believe that in this case it is the difference between who we are and what we are.

In a situation like Facebook we are representing ourselves to the world through this portrait of words and pictures that we create, we are telling people what we are. we compile lists of our favorite music, T.V. shows, where we are from, our sex, our political and religious views and we create albums of pictures that tell the world that which we want them to believe we are. We interact through posting on “walls” but they are simply extensions of our profiles, billboards exclaiming to the world that which we want them to believe we are. There is the occasion when an individual might take advantage of the notes feature on Facebook and may actually get across a bit of who they actually were, but for the most case when they do their actions are frowned upon as an unacceptably overt and rash desire for the attention of others. This is the difference between these social networking and an online journal.

In a situation like Livejournal where you actually put into writing your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions and share them with a select group of friends or indeed the world you are actually bearing that which you truly are. The reason that I and the majority of those with whom I shared this sense of community abandoned Livejournal was because we believed that it was the very same unacceptably overt and rash desire for the attention of others. This may have been the case but in a world like today’s where our lives ore more superficial than it ever has been, even in the “ideal” virtual communities we are creating for ourselves, I believe it would be healthy to maintain a space where we can express who we are in a world where nearly all we do is express what we are.

In this life we have created for ourselves we have created very little space for the input and advice those with whom we have developed relationships. It is a very rare occasion that we develop a relationship with an individual that results in the ability to comfortably offer and receive advice on the manner in which we are living our lives and this is mainly because we no longer feel comfortable sharing ourselves and who we are. A man named Edward Bulwer-Lytton once said “One of the surest evidences of friendship that one individual can display to another is telling him gently of fault, and if any other can excel it, it is accepting such a disclosure with gratitude, and amending the error.” In this life we has almost completely eliminated opportunities for this type of interaction.

Though Livejournal may have seemed immature and childish at the time, it was one of the best actions we could have devoted our time to, the input of others is an invaluable resource. These are the relationships that we should strive to foster and Livejournal provided us with a space to do this, we should take a lesson from this and bring this genuine interaction into our everyday lives and maybe back into our virtual ones. I know that I will be posting the occasional journal post on blogger when I need a place to get my thoughts out.